Jake stood up to his chest in a wheat field and straightening his aching back. He surveyed the results of his evening’s labours with satisfaction.  It had been an exhausting business, but with the aid of some rope and a plank he had managed to tread down a complex pattern of loops and circles. He reckoned it was his best one yet and he grinned to himself at the thought of excited UFO enthusiasts puzzling over its meaning.

A distant light appeared. Bother, the farmer must have woken up. Jake crouched low and prepared to make his escape. Moments later the light was directly over him, beaming down, illuminating him in its cold, white glare. He was caught. It must be a police helicopter, he thought. He was just starting to wonder why it was able to fly so silently when he found himself being sucked up the beam and into a spacecraft.

He sat on a strange, slightly resilient floor and stared up at a curious group of grey aliens. The group included a naked man who was saying,

“It’s OK you’re safe now.”

“Safe?” he gawped around stupidly.

“You made the intergalactic sign for help. Presumably you needed rescuing,” said the man, frowning suspiciously.

Jake was a quick-witted lad and rapidly regained his composure. That corn circle of his must have had more meaning than he had realised.

“Yeah,” he said. “Thanks.”

The man smiled and said “You can take off your human costume and have a nice acid bath, that will freshen you up.”

Beyond the naked man was a porthole through which Jake could see Earth. It was a round blue-green sphere, which was rapidly getting smaller. At what sort of speed could they be travelling? He felt his brain wobble, as it tried to grasp what was happening to him, and then realised that the aliens were all looking at him expectantly. He dragged his reeling mind back to the conversation.

“No thanks,” he said hurriedly, “I don’t feel like a bath just at the moment. I – er -  think I’d better be getting  back to Earth.”

“But if you were in danger of being discovered?” said the man, his suspicious frown returning, “Surely it would be inadvisable for you to go back.”

“Oh no,” said Jake, “It wasn’t that I was about to be discovered it was because ….” His mind was racing as if his life depended on it, which, indeed it did. “Because the farmer nearly caught me making love to his wife.” There was a sharp intake of breath.

“Oh” said the man looking at him with awe. “You are part of the breeding programme. Good luck to you. I don’t know how you chaps do it. How you can bring yourself to mate with those disgusting, hairy creatures is beyond me.”

Through the porthole Earth had become a dot. Now it started growing again. They were going back. Jake heaved a sigh of relief.

“Where do you want to be dropped?” asked the man, who was all friendliness again.

“Home to Laburnum Avenue, please” said Jake.

“Are you all right for funds?” The man opened a cupboard that formed part of the wall and took out a large wad of notes.

“A bit more money is always helpful,” said Jake, accepting the money with alacrity.

“I shall say goodbye now,” said the man, “I must say I admire the way you stay in that costume. I can’t wait to get mine off.” Reaching down he unzipped a hidden fastening that ran from his groin to his breastbone.

Jake forced his expression to remain passive as he watched a grey alien emerge from the human costume and drop the skin to the ground.

Minutes later they had reached their destination and Jake was deposited gently on the road outside his house. His wife was still awake when he crept up to the bedroom. She was sitting at the dressing table with no clothes on.

“You’ll never guess what happened to me,” he said, throwing the money so it scattered over the bed.