Your manager says...                    Your manager means...

Think outside the box!

I like to think of myself as dynamic and creative. I'm not.

I want team players.

Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong.

Be proactive.

I expect you to see into the future.

We are customer focussed.

You will spend a lot of time on the phone to irate people.

We are customer driven.

The same, but with worse working conditions.

This is a no-blame culture.

Pity help the staff member with an incompetent colleague.

Enthusiasm

Unpaid overtime.

Commitment

Unpaid overtime.

Flexibility

Unpaid overtime.

This is a 21st century business.

I have recently discovered how to use my computer.

Rationalisation

Sacking the only ones who know how to work the photocopier in order to pay the management consultant who advised the sackings.

Two-way communication

Feel free to submit your suggestions and I will feel free to ignore them.