Life is littered with meetings. One meeting spawns another and before you know it your working day is being hijacked by pre-meeting meetings, post-meeting meetings, informal discussions, brainstorming sessions and other versions of this multi-purpose corporate time-waster.  Excessive meeting attendance can lead to irritation, mental instability, fits of weeping and, in the worst cases, brain death.  Sadly, they can't always be avoided, so here are a few methods to protect yourself against the effects of endless meetings:

 

1)      Nod vigorously in all the wrong places.  If anything sensible is said at any point, catch someone's eye and emphatically shake your head and roll your eyes.

2)      Inch slowly away from the person to your left.  When you have inched so far that you are touching the person on your right, give this person an accusing look and start inching slowly back to your left.

3)      Make a small paper boat and float it in your water glass.

4)      If anything is being drawn/written on a flip chart, make a scale copy of it in your notebook using felt tip pens.  Ask the speaker to move out of the way so you can copy it down accurately.

5)      Whenever you need to go to the toilet, say to whoever is speaking, “I am very uncomfortable with your attitude.”  When you come back, try to look as if you have been crying.

6)      If mints are provided, stuff as many into your mouth as you possibly can and dissolve them very, very slowly throughout the meeting.  If sweets are not provided, bring your own and eat them at regular intervals, making sure to make as much noise as possible with the packaging.

7)      Buy a long-haired white cat (a toy one will do).  Stroke it conspicuously throughout the meeting.  Whenever you are asked for your opinion put on a bizarre northern european accent and address everyone as “Meester Bond”.

8)      Play with your hair.  Take it further and further as the meeting goes on, introducing hair-bands, clips, brushes and combs.  Aim to come out of the meeting looking like Vivienne Westwood.  If you are a man, grow your hair or cultivate facial hair in order to make this possible.

9)      Refuse to accept the minutes of the last meeting.  Take issue with tiny points that no-one remembers. If you wrote the minutes yourself, don't let this stop you.

10)  Play management speak bingo.  Write down a few choice words and phrases on your notebook before the meeting starts and cross them off as they are said.  Try phrases like “customer-focussed”, “let's think around that” and “touch base”.  Include your own manager's favourites. (You can get more ideas in my Management Speak article). If you are playing alone and you get 'house', pipe up with “Excellent point!  I think we should take a break to mull over it.” If playing with a friend, the winner gets to say “I think X (the loser) would like to take issue with that.”